James C. Leary
— Bill
Kirk Pynchon
— Earl
Michael R. Meredith
— Guy
Ron Jeremy
— Self
Scott Thompson
— Col. Wolfgang Vanderheath
Lou Diamond Phillips
— Self
Sally Rundgren
— Narrator (voice)
Jay Gordon
— Jake Stead
Jordan Savage
— Jasmine
Kristin Dattilo
— Skyler
David Dayan Fisher
— Darious Noir
Ashley Schoff
— Vonessa
Chay Santini
— Alexxxis
Shelley Mack
— Rainbow
Valerie Pilonsky
— Natasha Slutsky
Jillian Griffith
— Piggyback Girlfriend #1
Lynn Jordan
— Piggyback Girlfriend #2
Brooke March
— Angela Drackett